Cobb Salad (A Very Serious Recipe That Refuses to Be Serious)

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Cobb Salad (A Very Serious Recipe That Refuses to Be Serious)

Cobb Salad (A Very Serious Recipe That Refuses to Be Serious) 

Serves: 2–4 people, depending on how dramatic everyone is about bacon
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: However long it takes to stop snacking on the ingredients

Ingredients

For the Salad:

  • 1 head romaine lettuce, chopped (try not to judge it for being basic)

  • 2 cups cooked chicken, diced (rotisserie chicken counts as “chef’s choice”)

  • 4 slices bacon, cooked crispy (or 6, if it’s been that kind of day)

  • 2 hard-boiled eggs, chopped (peel them without swearing if possible)

  • 1 ripe avocado, diced (the good one you’ve been guarding all week)

  • ½ cup cherry tomatoes, halved (tiny but confident)

  • ½ cup blue cheese crumbles (controversial but brave)

  • Salt & pepper, to taste

For the Dressing (a.k.a. The Real Reason You’re Here)

  • ⅓ cup olive oil

  • 2 tbsp red wine vinegar

  • 1 tsp Dijon mustard (adds class)

  • 1 small clove garlic, minced (wards off vampires and coworkers)

  • Salt & pepper, to taste

Optional but encouraged:

  • 1 tsp honey or sugar (for balance, like yoga but edible)

Instructions

  1. Prepare the Lettuce
    Wash and chop the romaine. Dry it well, because soggy salad is just leafy soup, and no one asked for that.

  2. Cook the Bacon
    Fry until crispy. Try not to eat it all “for quality control.” Chop what survives.

  3. Assemble with Artistic Flair
    Arrange lettuce on a platter. Line up chicken, bacon, eggs, avocado, tomatoes, and blue cheese in neat little rows like they’re posing for a food magazine. Admire your work. Take a photo. Adjust lighting. Take another photo.

  4. Make the Dressing
    In a small bowl or jar, whisk (or aggressively shake) olive oil, red wine vinegar, Dijon, garlic, salt, pepper, and honey. Taste. Nod approvingly like you absolutely meant it to turn out this good.

  5. The Grand Finale
    Drizzle dressing over the salad just before serving. Toss if you must, but know that mixing destroys the pretty rows—beauty is fleeting.

Serving Tips

  • Serve immediately to people who say “I’m just going to have a little salad” and then eat half of it.

  • Pairs well with crusty bread, sparkling water, or the smug satisfaction of having eaten something green.

Congratulations! You’ve made a Cobb salad: protein-packed, fancy-looking, and still somehow a salad.