📜 THE NEW RULES
(Please Read While Coasting at a Responsible 11.9 MPH) 🐢🚲
Welcome, dear rider, to Ordinance 25-06, a thoughtfully curated collection of gentle suggestions disguised as law, lovingly crafted to ensure that no one on Marco Island ever feels startled, surprised, or even mildly inconvenienced by momentum.
Let us review the rules together — slowly. Very slowly.
• 12 MPH maximum on sidewalks and shared-use paths
This is roughly the speed of a determined power-walker late for Pilates.
Radar guns are optional. Passive-aggressive stares from retirees are mandatory. 👀
• “Just biking” is no longer a legal defense
• Stop signs, signals, yielding, hand signals — congratulations, you are now a car 🚗
A car with fewer rights, more judgment, and worse leg cramps.
• We regret to inform you that your Tour de France audition has been denied
Yellow jerseys must remain metaphorical.
• You may not briefly become a pedestrian, cut across the sidewalk, and rejoin traffic like a rogue Mario Kart character 🏁
Shells, mushrooms, and invincibility stars are also prohibited.
• Your e-bike may not be modified to achieve “ludicrous speed”
This is Marco Island, not SpaceX 🚀
Please pedal like the rest of us mortals.
• Motor assist in city parks? Absolutely not.
Your thighs will now experience growth, resilience, and regret.
• Only carry as many people as the bike was designed for
This is not a clown car. 🎪
No double-riding experiments “just this once.”
• Do not dart into traffic in a way that makes drivers question their life choices
If you inspire screaming, swerving, or existential dread — you did it wrong.
(Or: How Not to Terrify Pedestrians)
On sidewalks, shared paths, parks, and anywhere humans exist:
• Yield to pedestrians — yes, all of them
• Give an audible signal when passing
Bells 🔔, a polite “on your left,” or an awkward throat-clearing all acceptable
• Maintain a speed that says: “I respect your personal space and emotional well-being.”
Because nothing says fun like updates to Chapter 50.
Traffic. Vehicles. Parks. Recreation.
All clarified. All enforceable. All guaranteed to be referenced only after you’re already in trouble.
Marco Island officials kindly encourage residents, visitors, and deeply confused vacation renters to “become familiar with the ordinance,” which roughly translates to:
👉 “Don’t act surprised when we tell you to slow down.”
The City assures us this protects pedestrians, promotes safety, and preserves quality of life — proving once again that on Marco Island, the only thing allowed to move fast is real estate prices 🏠💸.
🚲💨 Slow down out there. Paradise is watching.