Florida, always the national trendsetter in educational innovation, has decided that the best way to prepare children for the future is by yeeting them backwards into the 1950s. In a bold new initiative, school districts across the state have stripped more than 600 books from shelves—because what kid really needs pesky, dangerous ideas like empathy, history, or self-awareness?
Among the newly exiled tomes are such well-known threats to the republic as The Diary of Anne Frank (that pesky child Holocaust victim with her “words” and “feelings”) and Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, which apparently committed the grave offense of existing while Black and female.
Officials insist this isn’t censorship. No, no—it’s curation. Much like an art gallery deciding that only paintings of cornfields and bald eagles are worthy of display, Florida schools are simply ensuring students enjoy a more “wholesome” education. After all, nothing screams “well-rounded critical thinker” like a library consisting entirely of Charlotte’s Weband state-approved manuals on lawn care.
PEN America, along with just about every person who’s read a book since Eisenhower was president, has criticized the bans. But Florida education leaders assure parents not to worry: children won’t miss anything important. Besides, the internet is still around—what could possibly go wrong when kids turn to TikTok for their history lessons?
Supporters of the purge argue that removing references to LGBTQ+ people, racism, and sexual violence will protect children from discomfort. Because, as we all know, if you never read about bad things, they don’t actually exist. Hurricanes, for example, are only dangerous if you acknowledge them.
In a preview of upcoming initiatives, the state hinted that libraries may soon reintroduce “safe, family-friendly” classics like Dick and Jane, The Hardy Boys Solve Mildly Annoying Mysteries, and pamphlets reminding everyone that segregation was totally fine if you just didn’t think about it too hard.
At this rate, Florida classrooms will soon be the envy of the nation: sanitized, simplified, and stripped of nuance. A place where the youth can grow up blissfully unaware of history, identity, or literature that might make them think critically. After all, why give kids wings when you can keep them in a nice, tidy cage?
