Naples, FL — In a masterclass of governmental theater that might have inspired even Shakespeare’s envy, the Naples City Council gathered this week to tackle a series of crises that, luckily for residents, exist mostly in theory.

Armed with agendas, microphones, and boundless confidence, council members kicked off the meeting with the so-called emergency of potholes. While some citizens hoped for swift repairs, the council instead dedicated 42 minutes debating whether to consider the sociological impact of potholes on Naples’ local squirrel population.

Councilwoman Gloria “Always Right” Pennington argued, with her signature seriousness, that the potholes actually add an “authentic, rustic charm” to downtown streets. Councilman Chadwick “Numbers Guy” Tomlinson countered that while charming, the holes were “technically illegal under the Street Smoothness Act of 1987”—a law that, conveniently, appears only on slide 27 of his PowerPoint.

Next up: the burning question of whether Cambier Park’s fountains should stay on during hurricane season. Opinions flew like Mardi Gras confetti. “It’s about symbolism!” Pennington declared. “Water is life!” she added, gesturing dramatically at the ornamental ducks. Tomlinson, ever the spreadsheet fan, insisted that switching off the fountains could save approximately 17.4 gallons of water per day—enough, he joked, to buy a small Starbucks coffee.

In a surprising twist, the council briefly toyed with the idea of public input—on one condition: it had to come via interpretive dance. The clerk, however, politely declined to arrange the performance, leaving the audience unsure whether to applaud or just nod politely.

Finally, in a grand display of efficiency, the council unanimously voted to postpone all major decisions to the next meeting—a strategic move guaranteeing that absolutely nothing would change, but with all the pomp the city budget could muster.

As the meeting wrapped up, attendees were left with the undeniable feeling that Naples continues to lead the way—whether in spirited debate, stylistic flair, or the art of procrastination.