Florida Springs Rebranded as “Nature’s Septic Tanks” to Attract Eco-Tourists

Florida, famous for reinventing bad ideas as tourist attractions, has announced its next big hit: the state’s freshwater springs—now officially billed as “Nature’s Septic Tanks.”

Of course, these used to be sparkling blue wonders where families swam, manatees frolicked, and postcards lied. But thanks to agricultural runoff, runaway development, and phosphate mining (because nothing says “paradise” like digging giant holes in the earth), almost all of Florida’s 30 major springs are now brimming with slime and nitrates.

“People pay hundreds of dollars for an algae wrap at a spa,” said one state official. “Here, they can float in it for free. Well, free plus parking.”

Developers have been quick to celebrate. Plans are already underway for the first Algae World Resort, complete with a lazy river that doubles as an actual lazy river. “The water may be toxic, but the Instagram pictures will look amazing,” said the project manager.

Environmentalists have suggested a Florida Springs National Park, but lobbyists quickly pointed out that preserving things rarely turns a profit. “You can’t build a strip mall on a preserved spring,” argued one real estate rep, “and frankly, that feels un-American.”

Meanwhile, climate change is taking a victory lap. “They always blame me,” it said in a press release, “but I didn’t tell you to fertilize your lawns like you’re growing corn for Kansas.”

So grab your snorkel, your antibiotics, and your sense of denial—because Florida’s springs are still open for business. Just don’t drink the water, unless you like your lemonade with a hint of Roundup.