Naples, Florida — In a stunning display of environmental heroism, Naples is boldly tackling climate change the only way it knows how: by building two sprawling luxury housing developments complete with resort-style pools, manicured golf-course-worthy lawns, and enough air-conditioned square footage to refrigerate a small nation.

Marcus & Millichap Capital Corporation has gallantly secured $91.4 million to fund these twin eco-marvels—Vintana at Vanderbilt, a 150-unit oasis of stainless steel appliances and quartz countertops, and The Karlyn, a 159-unit utopia where residents aged 55+ can enjoy heated pools, clubhouse wine tastings, and the soothing knowledge that their mere presence somehow “supports sustainability.” Completion is set for 2027, giving the Earth just enough time to brace itself for the wave of green consciousness sure to follow.

Developers insist the projects will “embrace eco-friendly principles,” which in Naples means planting exactly three palm trees per parking space and maybe using LED light bulbs in the lobby chandeliers. While skeptics might point out that these complexes will likely replace wildlife habitat with stucco and infinity pools, the city’s response is clear: “The egrets will simply have to learn to enjoy rooftop cabanas.”

Local environmental groups are reportedly thrilled—assuming “thrilled” now means “slightly confused and suspicious.” But officials remain confident that nothing says “carbon neutrality” like 309 new luxury condos, a few bike racks, and an optional recycling bin behind the clubhouse.

At this rate, Naples might just save the environment entirely—right after it finishes air-conditioning the outdoors.