Trump Warns Pregnant Women Against Tylenol, Because Science is Just a Vibe Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as the latest episode of “Medical Advice, but Make It Performance Art,” President Donald Trump has urged pregnant women to avoid Tylenol, citing an unproven claim that it may be linked to autism. Yes, you heard that right: the former real-estate mogul turned White House tenant is now apparently moonlighting as your mother’s Facebook health group admin.

Flanked by his newly-minted Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — a man best known for turning conspiracy theories into a career move — Trump solemnly declared that acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol, is “no good” for expecting mothers. “Only use it if you have a very, very big fever. Very big. Like the best fever. Otherwise, it’s terrible. Everyone’s saying it,” Trump said, with the gravity of a man announcing the discovery of a new fast-food value meal.

Acetaminophen, also known as paracetamol to people in countries that actually know how to pronounce “schedule,” has been a staple pain reliever for decades. But who needs decades of scientific consensus when you have two men with zero medical degrees and a shared gift for showmanship?

Kennedy nodded along like a backup singer in a bad cover band, assuring the public that “the science is out there,” though he declined to specify where, presumably because it’s located in the same drawer as UFO files, Bigfoot sightings, and the Ark of the Covenant.

Critics, meanwhile, have raised concerns that the President’s remarks might cause unnecessary panic among pregnant women. But to be fair, if you’ve made it this far through a Trump presidency without panicking, your baby is probably immune to stress already.

When asked if he had consulted any actual doctors on the matter, Trump brushed off the question. “We’ve talked to the best people. The very best people. Better than doctors. People who know more than doctors. People who are better than doctors. Trust me.”

As of press time, Tylenol has not commented, presumably because it’s busy wondering how it got dragged into America’s ongoing reality show of governance. Meanwhile, the FDA is reportedly considering changing its slogan to: “We do science, not vibes.”