Breaking: Democracy Apparently on Backorder in Florida

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely nobody, the ACLU of Florida has decided to sue Governor Ron DeSantis after he apparently “forgot” to schedule a special election for the vacant Senate District 14 seat. Yes, the seat’s been empty longer than the line at a Tallahassee vegan barbecue festival, but who’s counting? Oh right — the ACLU.

According to the lawsuit, DeSantis’s refusal (or maybe just “creative procrastination”) to call an election has effectively denied Floridians their right to representation. “It’s not like voters need someone to represent them in the Senate,” DeSantis reportedly didn’t say but was probably thinking. After all, if the Governor had his way, elections would be like bedtime—optional, negotiable, and preferably delayed until never.

The ACLU, bless their litigious hearts, claims that failing to call a special election is, you know, illegal. But let’s be honest: in Florida politics, “illegal” is more of a suggestion, like “speed limit” or “please keep your pet alligator on a leash.”

Meanwhile, voters in District 14 are discovering what it’s like to live in a representative democracy without the “representative” part. One local resident summed it up: “I didn’t vote for this… oh wait, I literally can’t.”

Legal experts say the case could drag on for months, which is perfect timing, since Florida lawmakers are already masters at dragging their feet — whether it’s drawing new districts, funding schools, or acknowledging that the Everglades aren’t supposed to be a luxury waterpark.

If DeSantis loses the lawsuit, he may be forced to actually hold an election — which, for a man with presidential ambitions, sounds about as appealing as a vegan Cuban sandwich. Until then, District 14 remains vacant, proving once again that in Florida, democracy isn’t broken. It’s just… on extended vacation.