🍀 BREAKING: Naples Cancels St. Patrick’s Day Parade After 50 Years, Declares “Fun” Officially Too Expensive🍀
By Someone Who Is Definitely More Irish Than You Today

NAPLES, Fla. — After nearly half a century of bagpipes, beads, and people named Gary suddenly discovering a deep ancestral connection to County Cork, the traditional St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Naples has been canceled for 2026. ☘️🚫

The reason? Money. Or more specifically, the audacity of joy in the modern municipal fee structure.

Organizers reportedly cited rising costs, including higher city fees and other assorted bureaucratic tolls, which finally proved too much for a parade largely consisting of pickup trucks, marching bands, and one man in a kilt who insists it’s “authentic.” 💸📋

“At some point,” an organizer likely sighed while staring into a lukewarm Guinness, “you have to ask yourself if pretending to be Irish for six hours is worth four invoices, three permits, and one invoice for the permit to apply for the other permits.”

🍺 A TRADITION LOST (BUT NOT REALLY)

For nearly 50 years, the parade brought Naples together in a shared cultural experience defined by:

• ☘️ Green plastic bowler hats

• 🎺 Off-tempo bagpipes echoing between luxury condos

• 🇮🇪 People with last names like DiAngelo explaining how they’re “Irish on their mother’s side, spiritually”

Historians note that approximately 92% of participants returned to their regularly scheduled identities by March 18.

🏛️ CITY FEES: THE REAL LEPRECHAUNS

While city officials have not personally chased the parade away with a clipboard and a calculator (yet), the mounting costs of security, road closures, insurance, and assorted “line items” reportedly turned the parade budget into something resembling a Naples real estate closing statement. 🧾🏠

In other words, celebrating Irish heritage was no match for celebrating municipal revenue streams.

🎻 BAGPIPES SILENCED, FAUX-IRISH HEARTS BROKEN

Residents reacted with shock, disappointment, and confusion over what they’re supposed to do now on St. Patrick’s Day:

• Wear green indoors?

• Drink beer without a parade as justification?

• Acknowledge they are, in fact, mostly German? 🍻😬

Local bars are expected to proceed as planned, proving once again that nothing can truly cancel St. Patrick’s Day — only the parade portion where we pretend it’s cultural enrichment.

🍀 IN CONCLUSION

The cancellation marks the end of an era — not of Irish tradition, but of Naples’ annual performance art piece titled “We’re All Irish, Trust Us.” 🎭

The parade may be gone, but the spirit lives on…
Mostly in overpriced pints, novelty t-shirts, and one lingering question:

If no one sees you pretending to be Irish, were you ever Irish at all? ☘️🤔

Sláinte… and please remit payment before celebrating. 💰🍺