Florida’s New Wildlife Strategy: Bear Problems? Just Add Bullets.

In the latest thrilling chapter of “How to Mismanage Wildlife,” Florida officials have decided the most logical response to the state’s first fatal bear attack isn’t public education, bear safety measures, or habitat management—it’s bringing back a statewide bear hunt. Because when subtlety fails, nothing says “problem-solving” like high-powered rifles and a hunting permit.

Yes, you heard that right: the Sunshine State is preparing to revive bear hunting like it’s the next big eco-tourism trend. Apparently, Florida’s idea of coexisting with nature involves asking, “What if we just removed the nature?”

The reasoning? According to supporters, it’s all about public safety—because nothing screams “danger to society” like a black bear quietly foraging in the woods. Never mind that fatal bear attacks in Florida are virtually unheard of; we’re now treating them like a weekly threat. One bear makes a terrible decision, and suddenly it’s open season—literally.

On the flip side, wildlife advocates (you know, the ones armed with science, empathy, and pesky facts) have launched protests in multiple cities, arguing that mass bear hunting isn’t exactly a rational or proportionate response. Their message: maybe don’t launch a full-scale bear purge over a single, tragic incident. But nuance is hard, and firearms are easy.

Meanwhile, the bear hunt is being marketed as population control and “preventative action”—as if we’re one forest picnic away from a full bear uprising. Forget bear-proof trash cans or educational campaigns; it’s much easier to treat wildlife like a threat to national security.

So, Floridians, dig out your camo, shine your scopes, and get ready for “Wildlife Management: The Action Movie.” The state’s plan seems to be: shoot first, sort out the ecosystem later.

At this rate, the only black bears left in Florida might be the ones printed on protest signs or stitched into throw pillows at the local gift shop.

Stay tuned for the next episode of “Florida vs. Nature,” where common sense takes a vacation and the bears take the blame.

.