Collier County Greenlights Costco, Because Nothing Says ‘Smart Growth’ Like a Gas Pump Every 132 Feet

Ah, Collier County — where the motto might as well be “If you build it, they will whine.” Despite a sea of yellow “No Costco” shirts, an avalanche of public comment, and one particularly quotable resident declaring, “In your quiet moments, you must know that this is idiotic,” county commissioners nodded, smiled, and approved the new Costco anyway.

The site? A lovely little intersection of Rattlesnake Hammock Road and Collier Boulevard — because when you think of Florida wildlife and pristine wetlands, what comes to mind if not bulk toilet paper and $1.50 hot dogs?

The project comes complete with its own gas station, a shining monument to the American dream of fueling your SUV while waiting for your turn to buy an industrial pack of croissants. There’s just one teensy issue: the pumps will sit a mere 132 feet from an existing 7-Eleven. But fret not, dear citizens — according to county staff, that’s totally fine, because there’s landscaping. Yes, nothing stops an explosion hazard quite like a tasteful row of decorative shrubs.

Critics worry about traffic, ambulance delays, and the possibility of the county’s elusive panthers becoming unfortunate hood ornaments. But Costco representatives calmly reminded everyone that Hacienda Lakes is “mixed-use planned,” meaning, apparently, that if you squint hard enough, a 33-acre commercial fortress counts as part of a harmonious suburban ecosystem.

“Our studies show it won’t exceed traffic capacity,” they added confidently, because no traffic study in history has everbeen wrong — especially the ones funded by the developers.

Still, not everyone is mad. Some residents support the Costco, perhaps enchanted by the idea of finally buying 48 rolls of paper towels without crossing the county line. “Convenience,” they say, as if that single word can balance out a few flattened panthers and a little more gridlock.

The vote passed, of course — because in Collier County, development always wins, especially when it comes with a food court. As the commissioners packed up for the evening, one could almost hear the faint sound of applause… or maybe it was just the hum of another construction crew revving up somewhere nearby.

So congratulations, East Naples. You’re getting your Costco — traffic, chaos, and all. And remember: when you’re stuck behind an ambulance next to the 7-Eleven, staring at a line of shopping carts under the glow of fluorescent lights, just take comfort in knowing — at least you saved 30 cents on gas.