🎓💼 DeSantis Declares War on H-1B Visas: Because Florida Universities Clearly Have Too Many Smart People Already

Tampa, FL (Oct. 31, 2025) — In a move that scholars are calling “bold,” “patriotic,” and “vaguely xenophobic,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Wednesday that the state’s public universities will no longer hire foreign specialty workers through H-1B visas — those pesky little documents that allow people with advanced degrees to do important jobs Americans often won’t. 🇺🇸📜

At a press conference that could have doubled as a pep rally for “Florida First,” DeSantis triumphantly declared:

“I’m directing today the Florida Board of Governors to pull the plug on the use of these H-1B visas in our universities.”

Yes — pull the plug, because apparently education is now on life support. 💀🎓

🧑‍🎓 “We don’t need foreign talent!” — said every university that relies on it

The governor likened H-1B workers to “indentured servants,” a comparison that had historians everywhere doing a collective spit-take. ☕📚

Florida’s universities, which routinely depend on international researchers to keep their rankings above “Florida Man Community College,” may soon find themselves in an intellectual drought. But hey, at least those “cheaper laborers” won’t be taking the jobs of freshly laid-off AI prompt engineers. 🤖💻

💸 Meanwhile, Trump adds a $100,000 visa fee because… why not?

Adding insult to injury (and a six-figure invoice), Donald Trump recently introduced a $100,000 fee for future H-1B applications. Because what better way to attract top global talent than to make it cost more than a Tesla and a kidney combined? 💰🚗🫁

The move aligns neatly with both leaders’ shared philosophy: “If we can’t compete, let’s complicate.”

🐶 DOGE-style economics meets academia

DeSantis also warned of “troubling trends” — including “AI-induced layoffs, DOGE-style thinking, and federal furloughs.” It’s unclear what any of that means, but it sounded confident enough to earn applause from the crowd of bewildered reporters. 🐕📉

🧠 The takeaway: Florida universities might soon major in “Patriotic Isolationism”

Critics say banning H-1B hires will shrink research output, stall innovation, and make it harder for Florida to attract top professors.
Supporters, meanwhile, insist that the move will finally give homegrown grads “a fair shot” at those $42,000 teaching assistant jobs previously dominated by PhDs from India, China, and everywhere with better math scores. ✏️🌎

🎭 Final thoughts

Florida is once again proving that it doesn’t just lead the nation — it redefines it. From banning textbooks to banning brainpower, the Sunshine State’s education system remains committed to one timeless principle: If it ain’t broke, fix it until it is. ☀️📉🎓