Florida Boldly Reinstates Polio, Measles, and Chickenpox — Because Freedom Isn’t Free (From Infectious Disease)

TALLAHASSEE — In a groundbreaking achievement for the “personal liberty” crowd, Florida has announced it will become the first state in the nation to liberate children from the oppressive tyranny of not contracting preventable diseases.

At a press conference Tuesday, Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo declared that vaccine mandates are “immoral” and even likened them to slavery — because, of course, nothing screams “human bondage” quite like a quick jab that prevents your toddler from being paralyzed for life.

Governor Ron DeSantis stood proudly beside him, unveiling the brand-new Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) Commission. Early leaks suggest the group’s mission statement is simple: “Why stop at the 1950s when we can take Florida health care all the way back to the 1850s?”

Critics — otherwise known as doctors, nurses, epidemiologists, and basically anyone who’s ever opened a medical textbook — warn the decision could unleash a flood of outbreaks not seen since black-and-white television. But DeSantis brushed off such concerns, calling it “fearmongering” and promising that Florida schools will be “hotbeds of both academic achievement and good, old-fashioned chickenpox parties.”

Parents across the state are already celebrating their newfound freedom. “It’s about choice,” said one Orlando mom, who plans to let her son develop natural immunity to measles the old-fashioned way: by catching it. “If it was good enough for Little House on the Prairie, it’s good enough for us.”

Public health experts, meanwhile, are scrambling to remind Floridians that vaccines once eradicated polio — you know, that disease that required kids to spend their childhoods in giant metal breathing tubes. But with the state’s new plan, who knows? Iron lungs could make a comeback. Retro is in, after all.

As Florida charges fearlessly into its new role as America’s infectious theme park, the rest of the country watches with bated breath — and up-to-date immunization records.

Welcome to the Sunshine State. Please wipe your feet, wash your hands, and, if you’re visiting, maybe bring a hazmat suit.