Florida, ever the pioneer in educational “innovation,” has decided the best way to prepare kids for the future is by catapulting them straight back to the 1950s. In a sweeping new campaign, school districts statewide have yanked over 600 books off shelves—because who really needs controversial concepts like empathy, history, or self-awareness cluttering up a child’s mind?

Among the banned offenders: The Diary of Anne Frank—that troublesome young Holocaust victim with her pesky “feelings” and “words”—and Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, which apparently committed the unforgivable sin of existing while Black and female.

Officials insist this is no censorship, but rather “curation.” Like a museum choosing only cornfields and bald eagles for its walls, Florida schools are simply creating a more “wholesome” reading experience. After all, nothing screams “critical thinker” like a library stocked exclusively with Charlotte’s Web and state-approved lawn care guides.

Unsurprisingly, PEN America—and basically everyone who’s read a book since Eisenhower’s presidency—has condemned the bans. But Florida education leaders reassure parents: kids won’t miss a thing. After all, the internet’s still there—what could possibly go wrong if history lessons come from TikTok?

Supporters of the purge argue that cutting out mentions of LGBTQ+ people, racism, and sexual violence shields children from discomfort. Because as we all know, if you never read about bad stuff, it just doesn’t exist. Hurricanes, for example? Totally harmless—as long as you don’t acknowledge them.

Looking ahead, the state hinted libraries might soon revive “safe, family-friendly” classics like Dick and Jane, The Hardy Boys Solve Mildly Annoying Mysteries, and pamphlets reassuring readers that segregation was just fine if you didn’t dwell on it too much.

At this pace, Florida classrooms will become the envy of the nation: sanitized, simplified, and stripped of any nuance. A place where kids can grow up blissfully ignorant of history, identity, or literature that challenges them to think critically. After all, why teach children to fly when you can keep them snug in a tidy little cage?