Florida Declares Victory Over Dangerous Painted Asphalt in Latest Culture War Battle

Florida has once again proven that when it comes to the great ideological struggles of our time, nothing is too small—or too flat—to become a battleground. Forget climate change, housing crises, or collapsing insurance markets. The real existential threat? Rainbow-colored asphalt and a few words of paint that had the audacity to suggest Black lives matter.

In towns across the state, rainbow crosswalks and Black Lives Matter street art are vanishing, power-washed away like dangerous graffiti. Officials insist the removals are not political, of course. The move is purely about “safety” and “uniformity,” because as we all know, the number one cause of traffic accidents in Florida is drivers being fatally distracted by bright colors. Definitely not texting, speeding, or drunk driving—just rainbows.

But let’s not be naive. This is not about crosswalks. This is about the larger Culture War raging in Florida, a conflict in which painted asphalt has become the Normandy Beach of ideology. On one side: Traditionalism, State Authority, and the proudly “Anti-Woke.” On the other: Progressivism, Local Control, and those stubbornly persistent “Woke” folks who believe public spaces might actually represent the people who live in them.

State leaders say they’re simply restoring order and protecting the streets from “political messaging.” Translation: any message not personally approved by Tallahassee. A rainbow crosswalk is dangerous propaganda, but a football field painted with giant corporate logos? That’s just good ol’ Americana.

Meanwhile, local communities that requested, paid for, and celebrated these colorful displays are told they can’t be trusted with such radical decisions. Because nothing screams “small government conservatism” like state officials micromanaging what shade of paint a city can use on its own crosswalks.

So, yes, it’s official: the great struggle of our time isn’t about wages, healthcare, or keeping Florida above sea level. It’s about making sure roads are painted only in the most morally acceptable shade of gray. After all, if Floridians can’t cross the street without tripping over freedom, what’s even the point of a society?