In a bold new chapter of Florida’s ongoing saga of “laws, schm-aws,” Attorney General James Uthmeier has announced the state will proudly keep its so-called Alligator Alcatraz facility running—even after a judge ruled against it.
“We’re going to continue operating the facility,” Uthmeier said, apparently mistaking court rulings for mere Yelp reviews. “It’s fully lawful. This is just an effort by environmentalists, Democrats, and, honestly, this judge, to interfere with our immigration enforcement.”
The “facility” in question is a controversial detention center nicknamed Alligator Alcatraz—a swampy holding site where detainees are housed in close proximity to Florida’s least patient reptiles. Officials insist it’s “not unsafe” and that the gators provide a “natural deterrent against escape.” Critics, however, say the entire concept sounds less like immigration policy and more like the rejected pitch for a new reality TV series on the Discovery Channel.
Environmental groups, human rights organizations, and—minor detail—the actual judiciary have all suggested that placing humans in swampland prisons surrounded by carnivorous reptiles might constitute a problem. But Florida officials remain unmoved, countering with their usual legal defense: “We’re Florida, we can do whatever we want.”
The judge’s ruling called for the immediate suspension of operations, citing “serious constitutional and ethical concerns.” Florida’s response? A shrug, a smirk, and a polite invitation for the gators to handle any trespassing federal marshals.
Meanwhile, Uthmeier painted critics as soft-hearted leftists who “just don’t like deportations.” Because apparently, in the Sunshine State, the only thing more dangerous than a swamp full of gators is a Democrat with a court order.
When asked if ignoring a judge’s ruling might undermine the rule of law, Uthmeier reportedly laughed, tossed an orange in the air, and said, “Rule of law? Never heard of her.”
At press time, rumors were swirling that Florida was considering franchising Alligator Alcatraz as a tourist attraction, complete with airboat tours, a gift shop, and a special “Escape Room Challenge” for thrill-seekers.
