Florida Man Breaks Land-Speed Record… for a Bathroom Emergency

LEE COUNTY, Fla. — Because nothing screams “responsible adult” like drag racing across a bridge at 3 a.m. in a Toyota Camry, David Stone, 24, of Cape Coral, has cemented his spot in the ever-expanding Florida Man Hall of Fame.

Troopers clocked Stone at a blistering 124 mph in what is normally considered a reliable car for middle-aged dads late to PTA meetings. His opponent? A mysterious motorcyclist who reportedly hit 140 mph before vanishing into the night like some kind of urinal-avoiding Batman.

When pulled over, Stone delivered perhaps the most Floridian excuse since “the iguana made me do it”: he was speeding because he “had to use the bathroom.” Authorities noted that Stone, in his rush to achieve restroom enlightenment, blazed past at least half a dozen perfectly serviceable gas stations. Apparently, Speedway restrooms weren’t “fast” enough.

“Oh, and did we mention he didn’t have a license?” said Lt. Greg Bueno of the Florida Highway Patrol, sounding like a parent who’s completely given up. “This is red flag number one. Number two, it’s 3 a.m. Nothing good happens at 3 a.m., except Waffle House.”

Stone now faces charges for excessive speed, racing, and operating a vehicle without a license. His Camry will spend the next 30 days in impound — probably the longest relationship the car has ever been in.

Meanwhile, the motorcyclist remains at large, his identity a mystery, his bladder capacity presumably legendary.

Florida: where public safety, NASCAR auditions, and digestive urgency collide on a bridge at three in the morning.