Florida News Weekly Roundup: Sunshine, Chaos, and Questionable Leadership

This week in Florida — AKA America’s most ambitious improv comedy stage — the state delivered yet another masterclass in absurd governance and swamp-soaked drama.

First up, Orlando officials decided to paint over the rainbow crosswalk outside the Pulse nightclub. Because nothing says “honoring tragedy” quite like erasing a memorial under the guise of “road maintenance.” Critics slammed the move as cruel and politically petty, while supporters insisted rainbow paint might cause “confusion,” as if drivers were about to slam on their brakes yelling, “Is this Mario Kart?”

Meanwhile, environmentalists celebrated a rare victory when a judge ordered construction halted at the “Alligator Alcatraz” detention center deep in the Everglades. Developers now have 60 days to remove generators, sewage systems, and more — because building a prison on a prehistoric reptile-infested wetland was clearly the pinnacle of planning genius.

Elsewhere, Florida Power & Light scored approval to hike customer bills by nearly a billion dollars. They say the money will fuel solar projects, but many residents suspect it’s more likely funding executive golf carts with built-in cup holders.

And finally, Florida’s ongoing romance with climate chaos took a cheerful turn with a new study forecasting $32 billion in annual disaster costs by 2050. But hey — what’s a little flooding when you can still snag $2 margaritas on the beach?