📰🌴 Florida to Trump: “Please Stop Trying to Turn Our Beaches Into Oil-Flavored Soup”

— A Pretentious, Sarcastic, Slightly Too-Dramatic Article Featuring Emojis, Because Why Not —

In a stunning display of political unity so rare it should probably be placed in a museum next to the Declaration of Independence and a functioning Florida toll booth, Florida’s entire congressional delegation — yes, all of them, including Republican Senators Rick Scott and Ashley Moody and all 28 House members — has penned a heartfelt, sunshine-soaked letter to former President Donald Trump. 💌☀️🌊

Their message?
“Please don’t drill holes in the ocean near our beaches, sir.”
Or, in legislative language: “Offshore drilling bad. Tourism good. Sincerely, Everyone.” 🏖️🐬🚫🛢️

🛢️ The Plan Nobody in Flip-Flops Asked For

The U.S. Department of the Interior, in its infinite enthusiasm for poking the Earth with metal straws, proposed opening a brand-new drilling zone called the “South-Central Gulf.”
Timing? 2029–2030, because nothing says “fresh new decade” like a potential oil rig photobombing your engagement pictures on Siesta Key. 📸💍🛢️

Naturally, Florida’s leaders were like:
“Absolutely not. Our beaches are for tourists, seagulls, and bad decisions — NOT oil platforms.” 🌴🍹🕶️

💸 Why Florida Is Panicking (But in a Very Polite, Legislatively Appropriate Way)

🏖️ 1. Tourism is king — and oil spills are… not cute.

Florida’s economy thrives on people paying $14 for Piña Coladas, renting jet skis, and buying seashell-themed home décor.
Introduce offshore drilling and suddenly the only thing thriving is the sale of “My Spring Break Ruined by Tar Balls” T-shirts.

🐠 2. Marine life prefers water, not petroleum vinaigrette.

Lawmakers noted that drilling could endanger coastal ecosystems, marine species, coral reefs, and Floridians who panic when the water looks “even slightly weird.” 🐟😱

🪖 3. Oil rigs and military testing don’t mix.

The Gulf is home to critical military training zones, where pilots practice essential maneuvers such as “don’t crash” and “avoid giant floating structures.”
Rigs popping up would be, at minimum, inconvenient.
At maximum? Explosive. ✈️💥

📜 4. We already have protections.

A drilling moratorium from 2020 blocks offshore drilling near Florida until 2032, and Florida lawmakers are like:
“We love that rule. Let’s keep that rule. Don’t touch that rule.”

🐘 Politics, But Make It Awkward

The real spicy part? 🌶️
This is Republicans telling a Republican president:
“Hey… no thanks on the oil thing.”

This is basically the political equivalent of your entire HOA telling the HOA president:
“We adore you. But your idea to install a fireworks factory next to the community pool? Hard pass.” 🎆🏊‍♂️🚫

😂 In Summary

Florida’s message is gloriously simple:

“Look, we’re Florida.
We do hurricanes, heat waves, hurricanes again, invasive pythons, and people who panic at 65° weather.
What we don’t do is offshore oil rigs ruining our vibe.” 🌴😎