🦅 Florida’s Big Brain Move:

State Board of Education Unanimously Adopts Heritage Foundation’s “Phoenix Declaration”

(Because nothing screams “innovation” like a document named after a mythological bird that dies before it gets better.)

📚✨ Florida is once again boldly leading the nation — specifically in the category of educational decisions that sound like the plot of a YA dystopian novel. This week, the Florida State Board of Education voted unanimously (because dissent is so last season) to adopt the Heritage Foundation’s Phoenix Declaration, a guiding educational manifesto described by supporters as “visionary” and by critics as “a Mad Libs of conservative buzzwords.”

🧙‍♂️🔥 Rise, Florida, Rise! (Preferably from the ashes of your standardized tests)

The Phoenix Declaration purports to “restore excellence,” “reclaim patriotic values,” and “strengthen moral character,” which is political code for:
➡️ More America, less questioning.
➡️ More structure, less TikTok.
➡️ More founding fathers, fewer facts that cause discomfort.

Expect classrooms to feature:

• ⭐ Inspirational posters saying things like “Critical Thinking Is Fine, But Have You Tried Blind Confidence?”

• 🏛️ History lessons that begin with “Back in the good old days…” and end with “…and that’s why everything was perfect.”

• 🦅 Patriotic birds soaring majestically across PowerPoints, ignoring budget cuts below.

🎓😌 Pretension Alert: Education, but make it Aesthetic

Board members reportedly praised the Declaration’s “philosophical depth,” a phrase typically used when no one wants to admit they didn’t actually finish reading the document.

One official was overheard saying:

“It’s not just a plan. It’s… a vibe.”
Another whispered:
“I skipped to the part with bolded text; that felt important.”

🏫📜 What Does This Mean for Students?

Oh, only everything:

• Students may soon participate in “Phoenix Values” training, a.k.a. sitting through videos narrated by a man who looks like he owns three pocket watches.

• Textbooks might be replaced with scrolls.

• Teachers will now have to fit both their actual job and “upholder of civilization” into the same 47-minute class block.

It’s fine. Totally fine. 👍😌

🦅💫 Final Thoughts

Florida says this new Declaration will “raise academic achievement statewide.”
Critics say it will “raise eyebrows.”
Parents say it will “raise my blood pressure.”

Either way, the Phoenix has officially landed — probably in a textbook committee meeting.

🔥 Onward, Florida. Into the ashes you go.