Florida’s Bigotry Soars to New Heights: Tampa Pride Canceled, Straight People Celebrate

TAMPA, FL — In a stunning display of courage, common sense, and pure imagination, Tampa Pride has officially canceled all 2026 events, including the annual Pride Festival and Diversity Parade. Sources confirm that Florida’s bigotry, homophobia, and general disdain for fun collectively threw a victory party—and everyone was invited, as long as they were very, very straight.

Organizers, citing “massive societal intolerance” (also known as the Florida state budget and corporate sponsors suddenly getting cold feet), announced the hiatus via a heartfelt statement: “We just can’t compete with so much hatred, and honestly, have you seen how hot it gets in August?”

Local residents expressed shock at this turn of events, with one man remarking, “I always assumed my neighbors were secretly gay, but apparently, they’re just terrified of equality. Makes sense.”

Meanwhile, Florida politicians applauded the cancellation, calling it “a bold step in the right direction” and promising to personally ensure that any future celebrations are replaced with mandatory sermons on How to Be a Basic Heterosexual in 10 Easy Steps.

Businesses and local tourism boards are reportedly devastated. Without the annual influx of rainbow-clad revelers, Tampa may now only see visitors who:

• Prefer beige paint

• Think glitter is dangerous

• Believe a parade is literally a national security threat

Not to be outdone, some straight residents spontaneously erected “Bigotry Welcome” banners downtown and held a citywide potluck of plain white bread and tap water. It’s unclear whether they were celebrating the cancellation or just celebrating themselves, which, in Florida, is often the same thing.

Despite the grim news, Tampa Pride organizers remain defiant. “Sure, they’ve canceled the parade,” said one organizer, “but no law can stop the glitter. No law can stop the sequins. And, frankly, no law can stop us from marching in the hallways of our own houses screaming, YAAAS QUEEN!”

In other words, Florida may have won this round, but the battle of rainbows vs. beige is far from over. And honestly, with drag queens this relentless, the beige brigade might want to start shopping for sunscreen—because sequins never burn out.