FLORIDA — In a bold move to protect drivers from the existential threat of joy, state and federal officials have declared war on… rainbow crosswalks.

That’s right. As hurricanes brew, insurance rates skyrocket, and infrastructure groans under the weight of neglect, bureaucrats have focused their full attention on the real danger: crosswalks painted in too many feelings.

According to transportation officials clutching the Federal Highway Manual like it’s the last copy of the Constitution, bright, inclusive designs on crosswalks pose a safety risk. Why? Because colors might distract drivers, or worse—cause them to smile, slow down, or (gasp) feel something.

“We’re here to uphold uniformity,” one unnamed official reportedly said, stone-faced under a fluorescent light. “Asphalt must remain pure. Gray. Dead-eyed. Soulless. Like it was meant to be.”

But not all cities are backing down.

Key West, which has made “doing its own thing” into a municipal identity, is weighing legal action to keep its rainbow crosswalks in place. “If you think we’re scrubbing those colors, you clearly don’t know how stubborn we are,” said one city official while sipping a margarita in Crocs. Legal scholars suggest their case might hinge on the “Jimmy Buffett Doctrine,” wherein island logic and municipal independence collide like a golf cart and a rum runner.

Delray Beach officials, meanwhile, have threatened to retaliate by rhinestoning every parking meter if their crosswalks are erased. “You want uniformity? Fine. Hope you like sequins,” said one council member, probably wearing sunglasses indoors.

Supporters of the colorful crosswalks argue they’ve actually made streets safer by slowing drivers down. Plus, they add vibrancy and reflect a city’s values. “But sure,” sighed one local resident, “let’s go back to the DMV-chic aesthetic of white on black. That’s clearly working wonders.”

As for what’s next, predictions range from full-scale paintbrush protests to cities quietly repainting crosswalks under cover of night, Banksy-style.

For now, Florida teeters on the brink—between sterile conformity and fabulous resistance. Will the rainbow crosswalks survive the regulatory purge, or will they be replaced by federally sanctioned mediocrity?

Stay tuned. Or don’t. The next bizarre Florida headline is probably already being written… involving a golf cart, a feral peacock, and someone trying to deep-fry sunscreen.