🍊 “Goodbye Groves, Hello Granite Countertops!” — Naples Debates Yet Another Genius Idea

Naples, FL — Because what Florida really needs right now is less nature and more cul-de-sacs, Collier County officials are once again doing what they do best: debating whether to pave paradise and put up luxury townhomes with “rustic citrus-inspired décor.”

Yes, folks, the orange groves — those fragrant, sun-kissed relics of simpler times — may soon be replaced with “The Preserve at Orange Blossom Estates,” a community that will presumably preserve nothing but HOA fees and the right to park your golf cart diagonally.

Environmental groups have bravely taken up arms (figuratively, of course — this is Naples, not Mad Max), arguing that maybe, just maybe, bulldozing thousands of trees isn’t the best way to show our love for Florida’s fragile ecosystem. Neighbors agree, saying they’d prefer to keep the “orange” part of Orange Grove Drive.

Meanwhile, developers insist their project is “eco-friendly” — because they plan to name the streets after the things they’ve destroyed. Expect addresses like Clementine Lane and Wildlife Way — the latter being tragically ironic, as no wildlife will be found there ever again.

County officials are scratching their heads, trying to “balance development and conservation.” Here’s a radical idea: stop pretending it’s complicated. The equation is simple — if you don’t build anything, you don’t destroy anything. Eureka!

But don’t worry. Once the groves are gone, you’ll still be able to buy “locally sourced” oranges — at Whole Foods, for $9.99 a pound.