Marco Island Declares War on Lazy Lawn Owners: Collier Boulevard Sod Saga Begins

MARCO ISLAND, Fla. — In an unprecedented move that’s sure to shake the very foundations of suburban life, the City of Marco Island has officially informed property owners along Collier Boulevard that their lawns, driveways, and miscellaneous strips of greenery are, in fact, their responsibility. Yes, you read that correctly: those tiny patches of sod you’ve been ignoring while sipping iced lattes on your porch? Now you must love them, or else.

The City, in a bold display of civic micromanagement, cited Chapters 18 & 42, Article II of the City Code of Ordinances—because nothing says “fun Saturday afternoon” quite like reading legalese about mulch maintenance. The notice enumerates the shocking list of homeowner duties, including, but not limited to:

• Driveways, culverts, and sidewalks (because apparently they can’t just magically maintain themselves)

• Sod and turf areas (yes, the grass you thought was self-watering)

• Landscaping and mulch (the glamorous stuff that gives you Instagram-worthy curb appeal)

• Irrigation systems (so your plants don’t die while you binge-watch another true-crime docuseries)

Effective immediately, the City will no longer deign to water or maintain the sod, landscaping, or mulch between your curb and your property line. Medians along Collier Boulevard will remain lovingly tended by the City—because they look better on camera for tourists, naturally.

Should you fail to keep your turf in “neat and orderly condition” (translation: stop letting dandelions run wild like rebellious teenagers), Code Enforcement will come knocking. That’s right: the folks who already know your recycling habits better than your neighbors will now judge your landscaping prowess.

Property owners are encouraged to “coordinate with their landscape maintenance contractor,” which is municipal-speak for: hire someone to make your yard Instagram-worthy before the city fines you. For the brave souls who still have questions, the City’s public works team can be reached at [email protected], though we suspect they’re busy contemplating the meaning of mulch.

In short: Marco Island’s Collier Boulevard is officially the ultimate test of homeowner virtue. Will your sod survive? Will your driveway culvert pass inspection? Only time—and perhaps a landscaper’s hedge trimmer—will tell.