Marco Island Unveils Cutting-Edge Technology from 1997: Now You Can Pay More Conveniently to Pay More!
By: The Marco Island Bureau of Mild Inconveniences

Marco Island — The City of Marco Island has proudly announced its latest innovation in the world of modern convenience: a brand-new online utility payment system that lets residents pay their water bills with ease… and an elegant 3.5% processing fee. Because nothing says “progress” like charging you extra for using the internet.

City officials assure residents this is a small price to pay for the privilege of giving the city your money faster. “We wanted to create a seamless, user-friendly way for people to feel financially punished for their convenience,” said a spokesperson who was reportedly sipping a $6 latte purchased with a debit card (which, ironically, did not have a processing fee).

For those still living in the analog age, there’s good news! Residents can mail in a check or even drop one off in person—a charming throwback to a time when stamps cost less than a cup of coffee and people knew their mail carrier’s name. It’s Marco Island’s newest way to encourage community engagement through forced exercise.

Meanwhile, in a bold move to ensure accuracy (and possibly heartbreak), the city is replacing water meters that have been in service since disco was cool. These new meters are expected to measure water usage with laser-like precision, meaning your next bill might finally reflect all those long showers you swore didn’t count because “it’s island humidity.”

In an act of bureaucratic benevolence, the city has suspended late fees and penalties during the transition—because when you’re adjusting to higher bills and new fees, it’s nice to know you won’t be fined for crying about it a little longer.

Local resident reactions have ranged from mild confusion to full existential dread. “I didn’t realize my 1974 water meter was underreporting all these years,” said one homeowner. “Guess my water usage wasn’t ‘eco-friendly’ after all—it was just mechanically lazy.”

Still, officials maintain this is all part of Marco Island’s grand march toward the future. “With this upgrade,” the spokesperson continued, “we’re ensuring residents have a transparent, efficient, and slightly more expensive way to stay hydrated.”

So there you have it: Marco Island — where progress flows like water, and so does your money. 💧💸