Naples Man Arrested After Apparently Mistaking Airport for Coachella Drop-Off Point

NAPLES, Fla. — In a shocking twist that absolutely no one could have predicted in Florida, authorities at Naples Airport have discovered that not every suitcase filled with “souvenirs” from out of town is, in fact, souvenirs.

Police arrested 68-year-old Christopher Bower, who allegedly brought in what can only be described as the pharmaceutical sampler platter of the century. According to investigators, the Naples man’s luggage was less “carry-on” and more “cartel-lite,” containing a dazzling assortment of 29 Xanax tablets, 26 methamphetamine capsules (some purple for aesthetic variety), 19 psychedelic mushroom capsules, and 6 vials of cocaine — a veritable Walgreens of bad decisions.

Detectives say they began investigating after a tip suggested narcotics were being imported on an incoming flight. (A bold strategy in a city where half the residents own binoculars and the other half run HOA committees.)

After landing, Bower was reportedly seen “loading bags into a vehicle,” which is normally an unremarkable act — except when those bags contain enough controlled substances to turn the Naples Airport into Burning Man South.

When stopped, Bower was apparently surprised that the police took an interest in his inventory, which sounds like something between a frat party and a pharmaceutical convention gone terribly wrong.

“Possession of methamphetamine, cocaine, Xanax, and psilocybin mushrooms,” the police report reads, listing charges that could also double as Coachella’s Friday night lineup.

Neighbors, when interviewed, described Bower as “quiet” and “a little eccentric,” which in Naples usually means he occasionally wore flip-flops to dinner at The French.

Experts speculate that at 68, Bower may simply have been diversifying his retirement portfolio — from bonds to bongs.

If convicted, he could face serious prison time — though some suggest he’s already living the dream of every exhausted retiree: free lodging, regular meals, and no HOA fees.

In the meantime, Naples Airport officials are reminding travelers that while “what happens in Vegas” may stay in Vegas, what happens in your luggage will absolutely get you arrested in Naples.