Naples Pier: Restored by Faith, Politics, and a Well-Placed Phone Call

Ah, Naples Pier. That wooden catwalk into the Gulf where retirees pretend to fish, tourists pretend to be Floridians, and pelicans pretend not to be freeloaders. After Hurricane Ian pummeled the poor planks back in 2022, the community waited patiently—by which I mean endlessly—for FEMA’s magical money faucet to turn on. But alas, the wheels of federal bureaucracy grind slower than an arthritic golf cart.

Enter stage right: Mayor Teresa Heitmann, who, tired of hearing locals complain that their pier selfies were “ruined by hurricane chic,” called upon Naples’ most sacred resource—a political donor. Yes, FEMA ignored the city for months, but one donor places a call to Homeland Security and suddenly it’s “Yes ma’am, right away, we’ll wire the funds faster than you can say Mar-a-Lago.”

Because nothing screams “efficient democracy” like realizing the fastest route to rebuilding isn’t engineering, planning, or hard work—it’s a guy with deep pockets and an even deeper contacts list. Bureaucracy may be a swamp, but it turns out swamps drain quickly if you know the right billionaire.

And so, the pier’s long-awaited rebirth will finally begin. Naples residents can once again enjoy their evening strolls, overpriced bait shops, and the reassuring smell of sunscreen, saltwater, and faint corruption. FEMA, of course, insists this had nothing to do with political influence. Absolutely not. This is America—where money has never once influenced politics. Ever.

So thank you, mysterious benefactor, whoever you are. Without your intervention, we’d all still be waiting for FEMA to “process paperwork” until 2037. Naples Pier will rise again—not on the strength of community resilience, but on the back of one very important phone call.

And isn’t that the most Floridian thing imaginable?