Residents Bravely Prepare for Hurricane by Hoarding Toilet Paper, Forgetting Food, Water, and Basic Survival Skills

FLORIDA—As Hurricane Whatever-This-One-Is barrels toward the coast, local residents are demonstrating their impeccable disaster instincts by rushing to the store and buying the most critical survival items known to mankind: toilet paper and scented candles.

“Yeah, we didn’t get water, batteries, or gas, but we’ve got 72 rolls of ultra-soft,” said Marco Island resident Linda Browning, proudly guarding her shopping cart like it was filled with gold bars. “If the storm takes the roof, at least my family will be comfortable in the rubble.”

Store shelves across the state have been stripped bare of Pop-Tarts, kombucha, and frozen pizza rolls, while less important items like plywood and flashlights remain untouched. “We figure the power’s going to go out anyway,” said one shopper, “but you can still enjoy a nice brie with some merlot while the walls shake.”

Experts continue to recommend water, non-perishable food, and fuel, but Floridians have made it clear: survival is optional, comfort is essential.

FEMA Releases Official Hurricane Supply List: Don’t Forget Your Yoga Mat and Scented Candles.

According to the 38-page guide, residents are strongly advised to stock up on:

• Toilet Paper: “Water is overrated. As long as you can wipe, you can thrive,” the guide notes. Recommended minimum: 600 rolls per household.

• Essential Oils: Rub lavender on your forehead as 120 mph winds hurl patio furniture through your living room.

• Avocado Toast Ingredients: FEMA reminds citizens that “just because it’s the apocalypse doesn’t mean you can’t brunch.”

• Pumpkin Spice Candles: A must-have for ambiance when the power grid collapses and you’re cooking ramen over a candle flame.

• Yoga Mat: For staying centered while your roof sails into the Gulf of Mexico.

• Flat-Screen TV (Battery Not Included): FEMA suggests purchasing a brand-new 85-inch smart TV immediately. “Sure, it won’t turn on, but at least you’ll die knowing you owned one.”

Notably absent from the list were outdated relics like bottled water, non-perishable food, plywood, or gasoline. When asked why, a FEMA spokesperson clarified: “Look, if you’re going to get flattened by a Category 4, you may as well smell nice, snack fancy, and vibe out to lo-fi beats while it happens.”

The report concludes with FEMA’s official hurricane motto for 2025:
“Preparedness isn’t survival—it’s lifestyle.”