MARCO ISLAND, FL — In a stunning display of economic wizardry and a complete lack of concern for aesthetics, local officials have reportedly cracked the code on how to eliminate the Marco Island bridge toll. Instead of continuing to burden the poor, beleaguered tourists and residents with a small fee to cross a perfectly good bridge, the new plan is to turn the entire span into a corporate-sponsored billboard.

“Why charge people to use the bridge when we can charge companies to show people the bridge?” said a representative from the newly formed ‘Bridge Beautification and Revenue Enhancement Committee’ (BBREC). “It’s a win-win. Drivers get to cross for free, and they get to learn about the latest in life insurance, fast-food deals, and questionable legal services. What’s not to love?”

Early proposals suggest a series of towering, brightly lit digital billboards running the length of the bridge. The BBREC assures the public that the advertisements will be “tastefully” done, meaning they will be visible from space and flash with enough intensity to induce temporary blindness in seagulls.

The plan has been met with a mix of enthusiastic support and a few, shall we say, “uninspired” grumbles.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea,” said one local business owner who is excited about the prospect of advertising their “World’s Best Shells” gift shop directly on the bridge. “Sure, the view of the bay might be obstructed, but who needs to see the sunset when you can see a sale on a timeshare? It’s all about priorities.”

Environmental groups have raised some concerns about the impact on migratory birds, claiming the bright lights and constant visual noise could be disorienting. However, a BBREC spokesperson quickly dismissed these worries.

“The birds will adapt,” they stated. “Besides, think of it as a public service. We’re giving them something to look at besides the same old water and mangroves. It’s a modern, dynamic environment. They’ll probably enjoy the spectacle.”

Details are still being finalized, but sources say the inaugural billboard will feature a prominent local car dealership, with the slogan: “Tired of traffic? Buy a new car and sit in style!” A spokesperson for the dealership praised the concept, noting, “It’s the most captive audience we’ve ever had. They can’t look away. They’re literally stuck in traffic right in front of our ad.”