Marco Island Mulls Pay-Per-Pound Poop Policy, Declares War on Freeloading Bowels
By The Marco Island Institute for Gastro-Economic Studies

In an age when every nickel counts, Marco Island’s leaders have set their sights on a previously untapped municipal goldmine: poop. Yes, the one thing residents and tourists churn out daily — and until now, never paid a dime for.

The city is seriously considering a groundbreaking pay-per-pound bathroom system, where every flush is tracked, weighed, and charged. Welcome to the era of digestive capitalism.

“This is about fairness,” proclaimed Council Chair Todd ‘Flushmaster’ Fenwick. “Why should dainty poopers subsidize the buffet-binge brigade? You drop more, you pay more. It’s just good economics.”

The High-Tech Thrones

The proposed “Weigh ‘n’ Pay” toilets will come equipped with precision sensors, thermal receipt printers, and cheerful LED screens announcing your “final total” before you flush away your dignity. Motivational slogans will include gems like:

• “Your colon, your responsibility!”

• “Think before you stink.”

• “Light loads save money!”

Payments will be accepted via credit card, Apple Pay, and prepaid “Dump Cards,” with a loyalty program rumored to grant every 10th pound free.

Proposed Pricing Structure

• First 0.25 lbs: Complimentary “Welcome Wipe.”

• 0.26–1 lb: $1.25 per quarter-pound.

• 1–3 lbs: $1.50 per quarter-pound + “Heavy Flow Fee.”

• Over 3 lbs: $10 “Municipal Infrastructure Hazard Surcharge” plus a commemorative keychain.

Public Reaction

Opinions are… mixed.
“I think it’s about time the big poopers pay their share,” said part-time resident Abigail Porcelain, sipping a kale smoothie. “If you’ve got the guts, you should have the wallet.”
But plumber-turned-activist Eddie ‘Tank’ Malone isn’t flushing quietly. “I fought for this island’s sewer system, and now they want to put a price tag on freedom of flush? Not on my watch—or my toilet.”

Tourism Concerns

The Marco Island Chamber of Commerce fears this could send visitors running for the hills—or at least to Naples for free toilets. “Do we really want headlines about people fleeing for free poops?” one board member lamented. “After the bridge toll backlash, do we want another hit?”

Still, city officials see opportunity swirling in the bowl. “Sure, people might balk at first,” Fenwick admitted, “but once they realize their $20 lobster roll includes a $3.75 restroom fee, maybe they’ll go light on the sides.”

The council’s vote is next month. If approved, Marco Island will proudly become the first city to literally charge you by the pound for your number two.

As the city’s proposed slogan puts it:
Marco Island — Turning Waste into Wealth, One Pound at a Time.