Marco Island Mulls Pay-Per-Pound Poop Policy, Declares War on Freeloading Bowels
By The Marco Island Institute for Gastro-Economic Studies

In an era when every nickel of municipal revenue matters, Marco Island leaders have turned their keen fiscal gaze to the one resource residents and tourists keep producing without subsidy: poop.

The city is considering a pay-per-pound lavatory system, in which each bathroom visit is weighed, measured, and monetized—ushering in a new age of digestive capitalism.

“This is about fairness,” explained Council Chair Todd ‘Flushmaster’ Fenwick. “Why should small, dainty poopers subsidize the reckless, buffet-gorged masses? If you drop more, you pay more. Simple economics.”

The High-Tech Thrones
The proposed “Weigh ‘n’ Pay” toilets will feature precision load sensors, thermal receipt printers, and LED screens cheerily announcing your “final total” before flushing. Each unit will display motivational slogans like:

• “Your colon, your responsibility!”

• “Think before you stink.”

• “Light loads save money!”

Credit card swipes, Apple Pay, and pre-paid “Dump Cards” will be accepted, with a loyalty program rumored to offer every 10th pound free.

Proposed Pricing Structure

• First 0.25 lbs: Complimentary “Welcome Wipe.”

• 0.26–1 lb: $1.25 per quarter-pound.

• 1–3 lbs: $1.50 per quarter-pound + “Heavy Flow Fee.”

• Over 3 lbs: $10 “Municipal Infrastructure Hazard Surcharge” plus a commemorative keychain.

Public Reaction
Locals are split.
“I think it’s about time big poopers paid their share,” said part-time resident Abigail Porcelain, sipping a kale smoothie. “If you’ve got the guts, you should have the wallet.”

But plumber-turned-activist Eddie ‘Tank’ Malone is organizing opposition. “I fought for this island’s sewer system, and now they want to put a price tag on freedom of flush? Over my dead body—or my dead toilet.”

Tourism Concerns
The Marco Island Chamber of Commerce fears the plan could flush away visitor numbers. “Do we really want headlines about people fleeing to Naples for free poops?” asked one board member. “We already lost them on the bridge toll idea.”

Still, city officials see dollar signs swirling in the bowl. “People may balk at first,” Fenwick shrugged, “but when they realize the extra lobster roll costs them $3.75 in the restroom, maybe they’ll order a salad.”

The council votes next month. If passed, Marco Island will proudly claim the title of the first municipality to literally put a price on your number two.

As the city’s proposed slogan reads:

Marco Island – Turning Waste into Wealth, One Pound at a Time.