A chaotic scene unfolded Tuesday afternoon at the intersection of Harmony Ave. and Inclusion Blvd., as a massive multi-vehicle collision brought traffic to a standstill after motorists reported becoming “utterly mesmerized” and “chromatically discombobulated” by the vibrant colors of a newly installed rainbow crosswalk.
The crosswalk, painted just last week as part of the city’s “Unity Through Urban Design” initiative, was intended to symbolize peace and acceptance. Instead, it functioned as a dazzling, high-traction siren’s call, luring drivers into a state of blissful, gridlock-inducing awe.
“I was just driving along, thinking about my grocery list, when suddenly… the colors,” recounted driver Mark Henderson, 42, whose SUV was the seventh vehicle in the chain-reaction crash. “First it was a stunning, passionate red. Then, a warm, optimistic orange. By the time I hit the hopeful yellow, I’d completely forgotten how to operate my brakes. It was just so… inclusive. My airbag deploying was a real buzzkill.”
Eyewitnesses described a symphony of screeching tires and shattering glass as vehicles, all moving at a cautious 25 miles per hour, gently converged into one another like a slow-motion ballet of civic pride and negligent driving.
“It was like they were moths to a very progressive, very visible flame,” said local barista Chloe Reed, who watched the event unfold from a nearby café. “One car slowed down to appreciate the message of diversity, the car behind it slowed to appreciate the first car’s appreciation, and then it was just a domino effect of good intentions and terrible depth perception.”
Police and first responders on the scene struggled to maintain order, as several officers were also seen staring blankly at the crosswalk, nodding slowly, and writing “LOVE IS LOVE” in their official incident reports.
“We’re investigating the incident as a case of acute aesthetic distraction,” said Police Chief Robert Miller, who was wearing rainbow-reflective sunglasses. “The crosswalk is clearly a tripping hazard for the soul. We’ve issued a temporary advisory for drivers to wear blindfolds when passing through this intersection, or to simply feel the love radiating from the asphalt and trust it to guide them safely across.”
City Councilwoman Brenda Li, who championed the crosswalk project, defended its safety. “The real tragedy here isn’t the whiplash or the totaled Priuses; it’s that some people are so color-deprived in their daily lives that the sudden presence of a standardized Pantone spectrum causes a complete cognitive shutdown. This just highlights how desperately our community needed this.”
At press time, city crews were applying a top coat of beige paint to the crosswalk, a solution officials say is “boring enough to be ignored by the human eye,” before reconsidering a new, less hypnotic design featuring a simple, monochrome grey stripe with the text “TOLERANCE (LOOK BOTH WAYS).”
