🐊 The Family That Jails Together, Stays Together

By Florida’s Everglades Bureau of Nepotism

Ah, Florida. Land of orange juice, Disney, and apparently judicial rulings that come with a complimentary conflict of interest. The latest swamp opera stars Judge Barbara Lagoa, who decided that Ron DeSantis’s beloved “Alligator Alcatraz” immigration jail deserved to keep its lights on, its gates locked, and its detainees… well, let’s just say “off the grid” is the polite phrasing.

But wait—this isn’t just a story about law and order. No, no, no. This is Florida. Here we do nepotism with style. Lagoa’s husband, Paul Huck, isn’t just your average spouse with a LinkedIn page nobody reads. He’s a senior partner at a law firm that just so happens to have its beak deep in the taxpayer-funded buffet of Florida government contracts. Millions of dollars, actually. Millions! It’s less of a marriage and more of a corporate merger blessed by the Everglades.

Naturally, critics are shrieking about conflicts of interest. But come on—don’t be tacky. This is the Sunshine State. Our state flower is the revolving door, and our state bird is the lobbyist. You wouldn’t go to Olive Garden and complain that the breadsticks are unlimited, would you?

Meanwhile, “Alligator Alcatraz” (yes, that’s the actual nickname—because Florida branding is nothing if not on-the-nose) is back in business. Hundreds of detainees are reportedly missing from federal tracking systems, but don’t worry. If they resurface, it’ll probably be on Zillow, as they try to rent an apartment that now requires three years of pay stubs, your DNA, and a notarized letter from Ron DeSantis himself.

And what of Lagoa’s ruling? Pretend for a moment you’re shocked. Pretend you didn’t expect that a judge married to a man whose firm cashes checks from the state would rule in favor of the governor’s pet prison. Pretend it wasn’t as predictable as a gator sunbathing in July.

In conclusion: Florida remains undefeated in its ability to turn governance into performance art. Some states have checks and balances. We have checks, balances, and direct deposits to politically connected law firms.