When “Proof of Funds” Turns Into Proof You’ve Seen Too Much

In what experts are calling “yet another reason cameras should come with a mute button for humanity,” a Southwest Florida real estate agent learned the hard way that not all cash buyers come bearing suitcases of money—some arrive armed only with audacity, Wi-Fi, and absolutely no pants.

Melissa Cheetham, a Fort Myers–based real estate professional who presumably signed up to sell houses and not star in a surprise episode of America’s Got Unhinged, said a routine virtual showing with a would-be buyer from Cape Coral veered off the MLS and straight into the Twilight Zone. 🌀

The man initially appeared on camera from the chin up—a classic move in the Digital Creep Starter Pack™—and began the call with a compliment.
“You’re very beautiful,” he said.
“Thank you,” Cheetham replied, because professionalism still exists, even when red flags are gently fluttering in the background like decorative throw pillows. 🚩🛋️

Things remained merely odd until Cheetham committed the gravest sin imaginable: she asked for proof of funds. 💰
And that, dear reader, is when the camera angle changed.

The screen tilted.
The ceiling appeared.
Then—like a jump scare no one ordered—the camera came back down to reveal the buyer fully nude, sprawled out like a Renaissance painting no museum would accept. 🖼️🙈

He then asked the sort of question usually reserved for HR training videos:
“Do you like what you see?”

Cheetham, demonstrating restraint worthy of a Nobel Prize, responded with a concise and devastating, “Oh gosh, no.” ❌

She shut the laptop, ended the call, and dialed 911—because when a virtual open house becomes a virtual indecent exposure, escalation is no longer optional. 🚔💻

No in-person meeting ever occurred, a fact Cheetham described as “a blessing,” which in Florida real estate parlance roughly translates to “thank God I’m alive and fully clothed.” 🙏

Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident. Cheetham noted that such encounters are “not uncommon” in the real estate industry—particularly for agents who work alone, meet strangers, and mistakenly assume adults know how to behave on Zoom.

She typically relies on a safety app called Forewarn, which allows agents to verify identities and check available criminal and financial records. This particular individual, however, did not appear in the system—possibly because the app does not yet include a category for “Men Who Think This Is Acceptable.” 📱🤷‍♀️

Her advice to fellow agents is refreshingly simple and deeply necessary:
Trust your instincts.

“If you’ve got that icky feeling, definitely follow that intuition,” she said.
Translation: If your gut says ‘run,’ do not stay for the slideshow. 🏃‍♀️💨

So let this be a lesson to us all. In today’s housing market, you may ask for proof of funds—but prepare yourself for proof that civilization is hanging by a very thin thread.

And to Melissa Cheetham: may your future buyers be fully funded, fully clothed, and fully aware that this is not OnlyFans. 🏠✨