Because paradise shouldn’t be free

Marco Island—long known for its pristine beaches, charming boutiques, and the faint aroma of overpriced cocktails—is now poised to join the ranks of gated utopias without the hassle of actual gates.

Enter Councilwoman Tamara Goehler, the self-appointed Monetizer of Sunshine, who has proposed that both bridges leading to the island—the S.S. Jolley Bridge and the Stan Gober Memorial Bridge—be outfitted with electronic tolls. In her words, it’s a way to “generate revenue without raising taxes.” In translation: We’ve run out of creative bake sales.

Under the plan, every car that dares to cross into this sandy Xanadu will be politely robbed by technology. Prices have not yet been set, but locals are already imagining tiers of tolls: $2 for residents, $5 for tourists, and $20 for anyone who says “We’re just here for the day” while wearing flip-flops purchased at CVS.

Supporters claim the tolls will fund “infrastructure,” which in city-speak means anything from pothole patches to council luncheon buffets. Critics, meanwhile, worry that it will discourage visitors—though some residents privately admit this would be a perk, especially during high season when Publix becomes a gladiatorial arena.

Business owners are torn. “On one hand, fewer tourists might mean fewer sales,” said one souvenir shop owner. “On the other, if people are paying to get here, maybe they’ll buy that $75 seashell lamp without complaint. Call it the sunk cost effect.”

The proposal will face its moment of truth at the August 18 City Council meeting, where Goehler will present her plan with all the solemnity of a TED Talk about fiscal destiny. Expect tears, applause, and possibly someone trying to pay the toll in sand dollars as a symbolic protest.

In the meantime, island residents are bracing for a future where a romantic sunset drive might require as much budgeting as a Disney vacation. After all, in Marco Island’s new vision, every view comes with a receipt.