There are many ways to spend a Tuesday evening in Collier County.
You could enjoy a sunset. 🌅
You could grab tacos. 🌮
You could admire the scenery.
Or… apparently… you could audition for Fast & Furious 38: The Search for Common Sense.
Three aspiring Formula One legends decided that Collier Boulevard was the perfect venue for an unofficial Grand Prix, proving once again that if confidence were horsepower, they’d all be driving rockets.
According to deputies, the prestigious racing field consisted of one Dodge Charger and two motorcycles, all allegedly attempting to discover whether speed limits are merely “suggestions” written by people with no imagination.
Spoiler alert: they’re not.
🚔 Garrett Cioffi, 29, reportedly explained to deputies that he “wasn’t trying to race them.”
Of course not.
He was simply conducting an advanced scientific experiment into rapid acceleration after being encouraged to “hit the gas a little bit.”
That’s how every great engineering breakthrough begins.
“Hold my energy drink.”
Meanwhile, one of the motorcyclists, Lawrence Long, 18, allegedly demonstrated his commitment to aviation by reaching 85 mph in a 50 mph zone.
At those speeds, the mosquitoes probably had to file flight plans.
As if that weren’t enough entertainment, deputies say another rider, Landan Murphy, 19, thoughtfully circled back to the area after the first arrest.
Because nothing says “master criminal” quite like returning to the crime scene to see how things are going.
It’s the legal equivalent of checking Yelp reviews while being escorted into jail.
🎭 Murphy also allegedly didn’t have the proper motorcycle license.
Why let minor details like qualifications interfere with your dreams of becoming the Valentino Rossi of Immokalee Road?
One can only admire such unwavering optimism.
🥇 Best Supporting Excuse
“I wasn’t trying to race.”
🥈 Most Predictable Plot Twist
Deputies catch everyone anyway.
🥉 Lifetime Achievement in Poor Decision Making
Returning to the area where your friend was just arrested.
Street racing always looks glamorous in movies.
In real life?
The finish line often includes flashing blue lights, arrest reports, court dates, insurance premiums that require a second mortgage, and explaining to your grandmother why your mugshot is trending on Facebook.
The only trophy awarded was a collection of criminal charges.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You officially completed the Collier County Prix, where first place earns you a ride in the back of a sheriff’s cruiser instead of a champagne celebration.
Next year’s race has already been cancelled.
Mostly because the participants may have scheduling conflicts with the court system.
🏁🚔
Collier County, Collier Boulevard, Street Racing, Dodge Charger, Motorcycle Racing, CCSO, Florida Crime, Naples News, Immokalee Road, Traffic Enforcement, Southwest Florida, Funny News, Satire, Local News, Speeding, Arrests